the day after he left, everything that could've gone wrong ; did. i don't know if it was just my overall anxiety that caused everything to spiral down, but i definitely felt suffocated.
on sunday, while scarlett was taking a bath, i decided to go look on our bookshelf to see if there was anything that could get my mind off of what was happening. i noticed this book i bought when ben went away for basic, it's a total ~military wife~ book but i remember reading it and getting a lot of good advice from it.
the first four sections of the first chapter goes as follows:
-stage one: the mind games (prior to separation/deployment)
-stage two: depression (0-2 weeks)
-stage three: the resentment
-stage four: getting into the routine as well as taking care of yourself.
the moment i read the first section, i felt like i was on the truman show and someone wrote a book about my life. it was so creepily relevant. but the best part of all of it was, i felt this huge relief. i wasn't alone. i'm not the only person that has this constant anxiety for the first week while they're gone. i'm not totally irrational for not getting any sleep and feeling ridiculously restless/emotional.
ben has been gone before and i always felt like i had things under control, but the main difference between this and every other time is the fact that i'm living on my own. i don't have friends and family to take my mind off of the separation. i never really process what i'm feeling, i just keep insanely busy but here - it's a beach town. there's nothing really to do except relax on the beach = loads of thinkin' time.
i'm thankful that i'm definitely feeling a lot better today than i was yesterday, and i was feeling a lot better yesterday than the day before. i'm progressing and that's all i can really ask for. i'm actually getting some sleep and put a real smile on today.
i decided that sulking around inside wasn't the best idea to get over the loneliness, so i decided to check out the local mall. it's basically deserted but they have a bubble tea place so i'm all set. :)
i've never been one to let scarlett play in those "mall playgrounds" actually i totally forbid it but... i could've cared less today. we had the place all to ourselves and i used a whole bottle of hand sanitizer, but most importantly - it was the happiest i've seen her in days. she's been having a really hard time with ben gone and it's something i never know really how to handle, they talk every night but her screaming for him in the middle of the night, is something i just don't know how to fix. i'm hoping she'll start to adjust as fast as i am.
