Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth.

As much as I love reading and exploring new blogs. The same thoughts continue to pop into my head and end up turning into a headache.
"Why can't I be more grounded? More mature? Why can't I be like her? She's obviously got things so 'together'..Why can't I have things 'together'? Why can't I be calm? Ugh..I'm so anxious all the time, and my temper..Why can't I be more level-headed..."
The list goes on and on.
I love learning about new people, it's probably one of my most favorite things to do. Being inspired by someone else's hardships and triumphs is truly an amazing thing.
BUT! There's a difference between knowing this inspiring person in real life and "knowing" them on the Internet.
You're getting MAYBE 50% of who they really are.
For example, I'm a big believer on not posting negative things, but at the same time, you basically have no idea who I am.
Sure, you see my day-to-day, what I like, blah blah blah but you never really know what I'm truly feeling, going through, REAL personal things like that.
Mostly I think I'm just afraid. Growing up I was always different, always that one girl left out, or didn't really belong with anyone, but when I started this blogging, I noticed that if I only put the positive things in my life, I was quickly liked! loved even! People love reading about my happy life, simplistic things, and it definitely gave me some much-needed confidence.
But it gets tiring. I'm restless, I feel like I'm this whole different person, guarded. I can't really write about anything that has to do with ANYTHING about me, or my life.
I would love to change that, I'm constantly telling myself I'm GOING to change that but at the same time, where do you start? Where do you decide that you're going to be your true and honest self?
Then, I got an email recently from an old friend, who told me how envious she was of my life..how it seemed like a "fairy tale" I was so taken back by it. I asked Ben "How in the hell does MY life look like a fairy tale?!...We're on the edge of poverty, I'm wearing the same clothes I've had since High School, and well let's face it-- We've been through some pretty shitty ups and downs" and he looked me at me and laughed "Oh please Megan, look at your blog from an outside perspective. It's like you're livin' the fuckin dream." He basically gave me a verbal slap in the face and I didn't say anything for a very long time.
I spent most of that night just thinking about everything that's gone this past year, all the hard times, troubles, fights, me trying not to pull my hair out, the countless wine bottles, things you don't want people to know right?
I am not perfect. I'm not perfect Mother, I raise my voice and have meltdowns way more than I'd like to admit. Ben isn't perfect, none of us are perfect. I don't want to make my life seem like it's perfect anymore, I honestly wasn't trying to put on this facade, I just didn't like putting out the negative but I think there's a difference between the truth and something negative.
I know it'll take some time transitioning from writing straight from the heart, instead of having to edit out anything that could possibly explain who I am or how I feel, but I'm desperately going to try.


  1. I really do hope you start writing more from the heart, because so far I like you, but I'd like to get to know you more. :)

  2. i really liked this entry! i have been guilty of feeling envious of other lives. but you're right, you don't get the total truth from blogs. but i think that's ok. its your blog, so why post the negative stuff if you don't want to? most people have enough negativity in their lives already. :)

    i remember something you posted on your tumblr one day, about how scarlett was just sitting in front of the tv and you felt like you hadn't engaged her enough, and you felt like a bad mother. see....from reading that, i know you're the real deal.

  3. This is so beautiful, raw and genuine, Megan. I completely get it. While you may feel that you've put on a facade, some of the posts you've written from your heart, in all honesty, have put me in tears. The ones you may not be proud to have written, but that you felt you needed to. You are a beautiful mother, whether or not you lose your temper, and whether or not you and Ben fight. Those things don't change your deep love for your daughter, or the beautiful person you truly are. Admitting failure is one of the greatest signs of character in my book, and I've seen you do it much more than most in the blogging world. Just be who you are, write what you feel, and don't worry one little bit about what others will think. The ones who really matter, will love you regardless. I know that I will :)

  4. I understand the fear about posting negative thoughts, because misery is contagious. But I think you could share your real feelings (even if they aren't happy) in a way that's more gentle or poetic. I think most people know life involves good and bad things, and what you blog is more about your attitude than your content in my opinion. The best blogs are the "best written" ones, not the "most positive" ones. All to say, I hope you find a comfortable way to express yourself more, if that's what you want!

  5. i totally agree w/ taylor up above. no offense to the 'positive' people out there, but after a while, it all seems a little fake. everyone goes through bad times, and everyone goes through good times. it's what makes us all human. and it's what makes us all relate-able. i think it's important to show both sides. and just b/c you are going through a rough time does not make you negative. again, it makes you human. and sometimes it really helps just to get it all out. then you can move on from it, and focus on the positives. i'm the type of person, that if i have something bothering me i basically have to scream and get it out of my system (did someone mention a bad temper? hehe.) and usually an hour later i'm good. it's done, it's over, and it's forgotten. i wouldn't worry too much about people liking you for this or that reason. people come and go, but the ones that matter will stick by you no matter what. in real life and in blog life. :D i am really enjoying your blog and look forward to reading more posts.

  6. I'm the same way, Megan. When people say kind things about my life, they have no idea what really goes on. Nobody is perfect - and you know my marriage and life isn't either! ;) I don't post about bad stuff that often because our families read my blog and I don't want them to worry or start butting in on any tiffs we might be having. And I don't post everything all the time because I feel like as a young mother I often feel under the microscope of others I don't want to come off as unstable or unable (you can get that, you're a Capricorn ;)) But at the end of the day... EVERYONE has their issues. And anybody that would think otherwise of you for venting about yours every once in a while is delusional to think their life is any better. I, personally, love it when bloggers share the nitty gritty - I admire them more and find them more relatable. They allow me to have a big sigh of relief that I'm not alone in some of the struggles in my own life. That I'm not a failure and getting it wrong.

    I love you!

  7. I have been down that road far to many times to count. I am constantly hiding some of my real feelings. I am constantly worried how everyone else is going to feel about how I feel or what I say. But I then also think, why should I have to hide my thoughts and feelings. If you love me then you will love me for me no matter if I am having a good or a bad day.

    So, like you I am slowly working on doing just that. I hope it's a easy transition for you.

  8. I think this was a great start! I am eager to read all the things you want to share, the negative, the not so negative and the great stuff! We all to some extent protect pieces & bits of ourselves from others, placing forward what we want people to see. It's only human. Don't be scared or embarrassed, from what I know about you you're an amazing young woman and sharing more of yourself will only make us appreciate and love you more!

  9. Thank you so much for writing this. I have been reading your tumblr/blog for awhile. As you said, I also like being inspired by new people, what they are doing in their lives, and positivity. However, I read your blog because you go beyond that. Yes, you post positive and happy posts, but I feel like you are real and I can relate to you. This is the reason I want to read your blog. Always be yourself, because from the outside looking in, you seem like a great person :)

  10. Lady, you're not a perfect person. No one is. And that's definitely NOT the reason I "like" you. To me, you're so kind and caring. I may not have ever met you in person, but I feel like I've known you for ages. Everything you post, most things you say, I can relate to it SO MUCH. (Not to mention, Bop talks about how "Fletcher from Basic" was so inspiring to him and STILL uses some of the pointers that he gave him---two years later!)

    Honestly, if anything, I'd love, love, love to get to know the "real" you a little bit more. I don't care how imperfect you think you are. You're still a wonderful soul and a strong woman. Beautiful, through and through. You've opened my eyes to so many things. Things I never thought I'd have the nerve to try, a potential I never even realized that I could reach. And for that, you should be super proud.

    I'm always here if you need to talk! You know my number. Love you guys!

  11. I felt so similar when I started blogging and reading other people's blogs, too. I'd get so caught up in analyzing my own life and trying to figure out how I could make it more like someone elses. But as you said, you get maybe 50% of who the person really is through the internet. I think this finally clicked for me when I took a look at my own blog and realized "Wow, people are really getting no information on the 'real me' whatsoever" Haha. I honestly can't even count the number of awful scummy days I've had that no one will ever know about because I hardly post anything about them. But when I did I found a surprising amount of other bloggers who are supportive or who can relate, and it's nice to know that there are people who won't judge you and can be understanding.

    When it comes down to it though no matter how much or how little you post, it doesn't disrupt the quality of anyone's blog. Give yourself some props for having the cajones to have a personal blog and openly share at least parts of your life. That is something special! Share the details of your life at your own pace :)

  12. I could say a lot but I will just stick with thank you and =).

  13. honestly, can relate to your feelings on this issue.

    I started to limit the number of blogs I read because I noticed how frequently I would compare myself or my life to others' (answer: a lot, and not in a healthy or beneficial way.)

    on the writing side of things- there are benefits, obviously, to depicting 'the bright side': it can often boost your spirits to acknowledge the positive things in life. but the down side, as you said, is a dissonance between what you write and how you might feel. in the end, you have the power to decide what to 'publish' or what to save for your eyes only.

    hope you find your balance!

  14. <3 amen, lady friend.

    although, I see so much positive and love radiating from your posts, I know you are real & I know you have human like struggles on a daily basis. we all do, and I think we tend to keep those in because we want to remember the positive & bury the bad.

    however the negative can be just as good to remember one day, so open up that heart & write what you wanna. I'll read whatever you have to say.


  15. I really struggled with whether or not I wanted to be honest with my blog, or just talk about the random.. sticking only to the positives too. However my personal stance on ALL things in life is that there is a balance! Good and bad are both a part of life, and writing about both can be healing. I think above and beyond everything else it is BRAVE of you to admit that you aren't perfect, to admit what you did in this post! Not many people would have been able to do so.. share what you're comfortable with, but whatever it is this reader isn't going anywhere :)

  16. Hey Megan, I'm that girl from Tumblr (Vera Tomahawk), with the military boyfriend, making a cross country move from Jersey to California. I just wanted to let you know that no matter how bad your life may feel as compared to how you share the good things, I still find you to be inspiring. Owning up to "putting up a front" in a way makes you that much more inspiring. The bad always comes first, if you don't know that now, you will.

    All my love, Jennifer.

  17. PS - Your real internet friends will like you even if you have bad days :)

  18. You are one of my favorite bloggers out there. I started following your Tumblr randomly months ago and make sure I follow you wherever you move your blog to. I'll admit that there have been times where I think to myself "Wow, I wish I could have her life. Be as beautiful as she is - inside and out. See the places she's seen. Live a day in her shoes."

    However, I can relate so much to a lot of what you said. My previous relationship was far from perfect and I think everyone knew it. A lot of the problems arose from my own issues, though. I would spend too much time absorbed in the lives of the girls I followed online (Tumblr, mostly.) Yours, Kristina's, Kait's, etc. I would look at the things you shared, the pictures and memories... and I'd envy it. I'd look at the sweet comments and gestures your husbands would make and get upset that my boyfriend wasn't as sweet as they were. I found myself restless and eventually in a sort of depressed state that I couldn't get out of. And it led (among other reasons) to the end of that relationship. So I can relate in that aspect.

    But everyone knows that nobody's life is perfect. Yours isn't, mine isn't, it just isn't. You'll feel a lot better once you start sharing the not-so-perfect parts. You'll quickly realize how many of your friends (and e-friends) can relate. And then it'll get easier and easier to share those 'negative' things. You just keep doing what you're doing. I love reading your blog no matter what.

  19. I was just thinking about how your new home looks like a vacation and I was uber jealous. Then I realized you're going to have to be really strong while your husband is away and that we all have REALLY great things (and people) in our lives but we also have really not so great things (and sometimes not so great people too) in our life and that we should all be thankful for what we each have. please please please start sharing more I love reading about your little fam. It's not often that I find someone (internet or otherwise) who has such a similar family/living/healthy outlook. <3

  20. I am sort of in the same spot as you. I feel like it I talk about and only post the positive than I'll eventually have that "All Positive" outlook I've always wanted to have. But the truth is, life is hard. Everyone has their own ups and downs. It's not *just* because we married a man in the military, it's because life isn't ever going to be easy... for anyone. So don't let this get you down. Know that when the truth comes out and you post from your heart, the people worth getting to know will stick around<3


  21. I am so glad your wrote this post! I have been trying to find my "identity" in the blogging world, but I always feel my life is too unstable to be among the positive people I meet online. I am always in awe over their lives and even jealous. I have a temper as well. It's kind of chaotic at times. I felt so left out, because I really thought I was the only one, lol.

  22. people love honesty my dear. day to day life isn't always easy, especially with our lifestyle. I have learned that by reading about others' challenges and sharing my own, you realize you're not alone. You just never know when your story might help someone else. I don't know if you've been reading my blog lately, but not too long ago i did a post on some issues that ray and i have been going through. i plan to be more open about my life. no one has a perfect life and we all know it!

    your blog should be about you. all of you. after all, it's for YOU, not other people so who gives a shit what folks might think. my philosophy has always been, "if you don't like me, someone else will".

    Keep your head up lady :) this time too will pass and you will look back and see what you've learned. Events in life are merely just challenges. It's nothing you can't handle. You WILL succeed and move forward. If you ever need advice, don't hesitate to holler, shoot me an email, whatever.


  23. From reading your blog I have come across your odd hiccup of issues but I think what makes it seem like a "fairytale" is how you deal with it, even in your video regarding the money issues, you came across grounded and could still appreciate the good. Sometimes we forget that we really are grounded, mature and have it together, we just might not see it ourselves or see ourselves like others do.

    I see you as real and someone with an extremely warm heart, I think it's quite obvious still from just words that someone isn't who they portray themselves but reading your entries I don't see you any different. No matter who we are, we all have our problems, even those who do lead a fairytale life.

    Don't beat up on yourself though, sometimes our true feelings are left for those who we love, for those who can truly understand our hurt. A lot of the time people who don't know us can misinterpret our upset and hurt when reading a bunch of words which can only makes us feel worse.

    And something my mother would always say to me "Every problem is a gift - without problems we would not grow."