As much as I love reading and exploring new blogs. The same thoughts continue to pop into my head and end up turning into a headache.
"Why can't I be more grounded? More mature? Why can't I be like her? She's obviously got things so 'together'..Why can't I have things 'together'? Why can't I be calm? Ugh..I'm so anxious all the time, and my temper..Why can't I be more level-headed..."
The list goes on and on.
I love learning about new people, it's probably one of my most favorite things to do. Being inspired by someone else's hardships and triumphs is truly an amazing thing.
BUT! There's a difference between knowing this inspiring person in real life and "knowing" them on the Internet.
You're getting MAYBE 50% of who they really are.
For example, I'm a big believer on not posting negative things, but at the same time, you basically have no idea who I am.
Sure, you see my day-to-day, what I like, blah blah blah but you never really know what I'm truly feeling, going through, REAL personal things like that.
Mostly I think I'm just afraid. Growing up I was always different, always that one girl left out, or didn't really belong with anyone, but when I started this blogging, I noticed that if I only put the positive things in my life, I was quickly liked! loved even! People love reading about my happy life, simplistic things, and it definitely gave me some much-needed confidence.
But it gets tiring. I'm restless, I feel like I'm this whole different person, guarded. I can't really write about anything that has to do with ANYTHING about me, or my life.
I would love to change that, I'm constantly telling myself I'm GOING to change that but at the same time, where do you start? Where do you decide that you're going to be your true and honest self?
Then, I got an email recently from an old friend, who told me how envious she was of my life..how it seemed like a "fairy tale" I was so taken back by it. I asked Ben "How in the hell does MY life look like a fairy tale?!...We're on the edge of poverty, I'm wearing the same clothes I've had since High School, and well let's face it-- We've been through some pretty shitty ups and downs" and he looked me at me and laughed "Oh please Megan, look at your blog from an outside perspective. It's like you're livin' the fuckin dream." He basically gave me a verbal slap in the face and I didn't say anything for a very long time.
I spent most of that night just thinking about everything that's gone this past year, all the hard times, troubles, fights, me trying not to pull my hair out, the countless wine bottles, things you don't want people to know right?
I am not perfect. I'm not perfect Mother, I raise my voice and have meltdowns way more than I'd like to admit. Ben isn't perfect, none of us are perfect. I don't want to make my life seem like it's perfect anymore, I honestly wasn't trying to put on this facade, I just didn't like putting out the negative but I think there's a difference between the truth and something negative.
I know it'll take some time transitioning from writing straight from the heart, instead of having to edit out anything that could possibly explain who I am or how I feel, but I'm desperately going to try.